It's been a while.

I saw an attractive girl downtown today, and in my mind I thought of every way Calynn was prettier. I asked her to marry me, for all the reasons I should. She said no. I was finally able to do what I've wanted to do for a long time, and it's too late. I don't know how to deal with this. I've never known grief like this. And for the first time in a long time, some of my ducks are in a row that haven't been. I know I can be best for her, and furthermore I can be best for me. There is no doubt in my mind that no one else can share the amount of joy and wonder that I can with her. I didn't really believe in that meant to be stuff before I met her, and I am forever changed. I want her to be happy above all else. And if she can never get over the things that prevent her from ever wanting to be with me again, then it's her loss... and mine. I may not be able to articulate best at the moment of who I am, but I know who I will become. I will be a great friend and a great person who makes mistakes, but a person who will never fall into the Pit that has held me for this past year. Someday I want to be a daddy, and today I want to be a husband. So now I shall be a friend because both a father and a husband need that basis, and whether I ever become those things or not, I will be a friend, and I'll be a damn good one at that. This love may be silent, but it is not without voice.