You were born together

I love her, more than I will ever know.

It scares me to think about life without her. I don't ever want to really lose her, and for the first time in a long time, I don't think it's because of the promises I made. I could be wrong. I'm hoping to figure out more of that in counseling.

I'm not sure I can convey how much her smell affects me. When she's on birth control I can't smell her, maybe that's one of the things that made me scared the first time we broke up. I hadn't been able to smell her for a while, and I loved her then, but it certainly affected me and I'm not always sure how much.

She's sweet and kind, she wants what's best for those around her, sometimes too much. When people get into situations they shouldn't be in, she's there to pull them out, and I think sometimes she could benefit from a little more selfishness. We talked a long time tonight, it was really wonderful. I kind of had a cloud over my head today because she backed out of going to church today with me. But, that cloud passed a lot faster than they normally do and what I was left with was disappointment, but it was only disappointment which for me, is a big step in the right direction, I stopped thinking about worse case scenarios and looked forward to seeing her later. I proceeded to wait outside her dorm for about an hour (it was pretty damn cold today) and then we eventually got to talk and spend some time with each other.

I have been making an effort of being more happy when I'm with her. But I also feel better. I'm more happy in general. I talk to people when before I would just stare at the ground. I've even smiled at some cute girls(this has not happened in a very very long time). I harbor great hope, I just pray I haven't used up all my chances when we both weren't ready. I don't want to beg you baby for something you can never give, I'm not looking for the rest of your life I'm just looking for another chance to live. this isn't really true, but it's what I thought of. Actually, maybe it is. I'm not looking for a guarantee for life like i have been to satisfy my guilt, I'm looking for another chance to hold the kind of love I once held, and holding that kind of love, is truly living.

There is only one thing in this life better physically than sex, better emotionally then real hugs and warmer than flame.

It's sleeping with someone. No one I know sleeps together like in the movies where you wake up all wrapped up in each other's arms, but waking up in the middle of the night and being able to reach over and touch the person you love most dearly in the world.

This is also why I want to die at the same time as my wife, if I ever have one.

I never want to have that for such a long time with someone, and then never have it again. Then again, I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore

Quakers

I'm going to the local meeting of the Society of Friends in Charleston today. She was going to go with me, but decided that partying until four was a much more appealing idea. She told me to call her, but I'm not going to. Physically she gets sick when she's really tired. Anyway, I'm going to see how it is, and maybe she'll come with me to church next Sunday.

I think today I'll pray for friends.

Lies

Lies are poison. False hope is worse than no hope at all.

I would always rather have the truth and be in a worse place, than to be in ignorant bliss. It's hurts beyond most measure to trust someone and have them not even respect you enough to tell you the truth even if it hurts you. It makes me upset, it makes me angry, and worst of all, it makes me distrustful, and makes myself more likely to keep the truth from others.

I found out recently that someone close to me lied to me, over, and over, and over and over again. Not just about anything, about something I distinctly asked them to be completely honest with me about. Due to the fact that it might skew the idea for the actuality, I'm not going to name what was lied to me about. I asked so many times, to not be lied to like this. But I was lied to anyway. I know the world fixes all the misconceptions about it that you have when you're a child, but trust has always been something I wished I could always have. I told my sister about my blog, and asked her to tell no one else for now. She told me she wouldn't and I believed her. But now, I can't. I feel betrayed, and not only betrayed but disrespected, by someone who should have respected me as much as I respected them. But they didn't. They lied. Not just once, but many many times.

I used to think that you can't trust people. But I also used to think that there were exceptions, I was wrong. and that, that is a harder fact to swallow than learning that you couldn't trust people.

Counseling

I had a counseling session yesterday, most of what we did was background, but I'm getting the feeling that this woman isn't good enough to help me. I say this because I get the sense that I could convince this woman that I'm okay. She has no Idea how badly I am doing. At the moment, I should probably be seeing someone twice a week and she was trying to give me another session in two weeks. I feel like she buys all the defenses I throw up. This is a problem, maybe if she knew who I was before all of this she would be fine, she might has some grasp of what I should be like, but she doesn't, she's also an intern and I honestly think I need more help than this.

Can't sleep

I live in a dorm with 5 other guys.

I hate men, I hate the way they smell, I hate how they're always loud, I hate that they're insensitive a pretend they don't have emotions to make them feel like they're stronger.

I can't sleep because everyone else in my dorm is being ridiculously loud it's almost two in the morning. I don't want to start confrontation so I'm not saying anything. I'm afraid I'm going to have to live in a dorm next year too.

My parents were thinking about buying a house down her and renting it out to me and others. They kind of plan on living down here later in life, but I kind of ruined that when I informed them that I was applying for a transfer. I'm not going to, I just wanted to keep my options open. Everything about the transfer was doable but I don't want to leave. I think I'm going to switch majors to computing and the arts instead of a B.S. in computer science. I think i'll be happier that way. I want a space to myself. Well, that's not completely true, but it's true enough. And I would have loved it if they bought a place I could stay in during my time here.

It amazes me how much I've grown in these last three years. I've completely changed so many times. I want to get better, so badly for my sake, and for everything I want in this life. "No one gets a lifetime rehearsal"

I saw Invictus recently, it was really inspiring. It kind of made me realize that I have a choice of what way I am, I am the master of my fate. I can choose what to do, and where to go. And I choose up. I want to actively work for all that I hold dear.

Going to my house tomorrow.

I doubt anyone will ever read this. I want someone too.

Okay, here goes. My name is Nicholas and I go to the College of Charleston in South Carolina. I have been seriously depressed ever since I got here.

I don't think I can start there though.

I'm 19.

When I was sixteen, I met a girl. I re-met a girl. Her name doesn't really matter. In this, I think I'll call her .... hmm... Delilah. If you read this, I think you'll eventually find out why. I met a girl, I play the violin and at the time I was in a youth orchestra that took a trip to new york. She started flirting with me and I couldn't stop smiling. Ever since I hit puberty up till then I was quite somber as my sister put it. But every time she smiled, I couldn't help but follow suit.

It wasn't love at first sight, but it certainly was infatuation. I was a very bad flirt. On the trip we played in Carnegie Hall and on a cruise after I gave her my jacket at she let me put my arm around her. We were out on the deck alone and she said "you aren't doing a very good job of keeping me warm"

That was the only 20 hour bus ride I ever looked forward to. However, I was soon disappointed, her family came with her and they flew back down. It made that bus ride all the more miserable.

CYS (the youth symphony) was on Sunday afternoons. I saw her a few more times and eventually started talking to her on Aim. I was pathetic, it was my first stab at a relationship, and I asked her out over Aim, i know I know, what a loser. She said yes, well, she pretty much told me to ask, but like I said it was my first real time. We planned a date, she said she was really busy most of the time, and the time I saw her at CYS she mostly spent flirting with other boys. I wanted to take her to black balsom knob in North Carolina, In my naiveté I guess I thought it would be a really good first date. She suggested lunch some time. I agreed willingly, and then, a couple of days before, she said that she thought we shouldn't. CYS ended for the year, and she no longer talked to me, meanwhile, at some point I had had a conversation with her little sister on Aim. And so while, Delilah, didn't talk to me, I talked to her sister. She had been going through boy issues and I was an invisible ear, even if I didn't have any practical advice. This was one of the most miserable times in my life. I cried compulsively, i was pathetic, It was like puppy love that made me very upset. I had finally known I could smile again.

I had hair down to my chest at the time.

I cut it.

I cut it to about 5 inches from almost two feet.

I showed her little sister my new haircut via facebook picture. She said that I was very attractive, it was a little weird. I had only eyes for ... Delilah. Well, then, all of a sudden Delilah thought she could date me again. Perhaps now I would be hurt and pissed and offended. But then, all I wanted was her and I didn't care what she did as long as she'd have me.

I ate very little on our first date, or on the subsequent ones. It was at a place in Downtown Greenville called "Smoke on the Water" I had some kind of sandwich, she had chicken. We went down into Falls park afterwards, sat on a bench. She kissed me on the cheek. Then she kissed me on the mouth, I kissed back I guess, I know I was bad, I had never been kissed before. We kissed on the rocks in the nasty Reedy River, but I didn't think about that disgusting water. When I say kissed, I mean, no tongue, just clumsy naive lips.

We changed our Facebook status that night to in a relationship.

I couldn't drive while we were first dating, so I would go with my sisters to Starbucks (where they worked) and wait hours for her to come pick me up, and she was always late, but I didn't care, I didn't care at all, she would have me.

She eventually told me that I needed to be okay if she broke up with me, I told her It would take me longer than most people but that i'd be okay, (I actually had no idea if i would ever get over it, looking back I know I would have, but at the time).

Eventually, we finally got to go on that date to black balsom knob, and I loved her then, I loved her, and she wanted me to say it, this was probably 4 months into our relationship. We were at her house a few weeks later alone, we were cuddling, I wanted to tell her but I didn't want her to say that dreaded "You too". We were cuddling and she told me that what she was doing physically was akin to the way she felt. I looked her in the eyes, and said "I love you". She said i love you too and pulled me close.

I had never really considered sex in our relationship. She wanted to wait until marriage and I just wanted to be with her. I mean, we didn't french kiss until two months into our relationship. In December while on the phone (we talked hours on the phone) she was ovulating i know now, she told me she wanted to have sex with me. I never considered it, then after that, it became difficult not to consider it. She changed her mind the next week. About two months later we did, it consisted of us being alone at my house and "Okay, come in, come in." "Ouch! Ouch! Out! Out! Out!" After that a day later we bought the morning after pill to make sure that didn't make her pregnant. We were kind of inexperienced lets say. A few weeks later we had sex with a condom, it ended up with her in the hospital. She has ovarian cysts and our activities caused one to rupture and hemorrhage.

I felt awful, she spent days in the hospital because of me.

Did I mention I have guilt problems?

A little while after that we had a pregnancy scare. Not really a real one, She did the text wrong and made it come back a false positive.

She promised God that she wouldn't have sex again until she was married as long as she wasn't pregnant.

We didn't for a while, It was very difficult, not because of the feeling, as I've grown older I know what missing that feels like. It was difficult because I loved her with all my heart, we were 17 and we talked about getting married on my eighteenth birthday (I was the younger of us). We loved each other in a way that I cannot describe, I know many people would write it off as first love, but I don't think that, I think that was part of it, but not the whole story.

One night, I told her that we couldn't be alone because I didn't think I could take it. She was really proud of me, we went back to her house, we had eaten dinner with her family, and while alone in her room, she brought in a bible and we I read to her:

Corinthians 13

Love

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

then we read wedding vows to each other, I meant ever word will all my soul mind and heart.

It was in those moments, and moments really before and after that, that I promised so much.

Sex did for us everything we wanted it to, we felt closer, our love just grew and grew.

I went to a boarding school, SCGSAH, which was actually closer to her house than mine. But that wasn't enough, I had promised this girl everything, I wanted to live with her, I wanted to see her when I went to bed at night and when I woke up the next day. For all emotional purposes, I was married to her, but it began tearing at me. "Weekend Wife" I couldn't stand it.

After a long while, I began to let my resentment at our situation spread. I was scared of that, I didn't want it to poison what we had, there were other things too, curiosities, never being with anyone else, but I honestly don't think those were my problems then, I think they could have turned into problems, but I don't think they were my motivations.

I broke up with her.

It was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my short life.

And I have never forgiven myself for it.

I had a couple of relationships after that, far before I was ready.

And one of them, I had sex with.

I've never forgiven myself for that either, the reasons why are complicated and I'm too mentally weak to go on about it now.

But, the important part is, I grew to hate myself.

Far too short a time after that other relationship, we tried again.

It was bad in so many ways, she was an insecure nervous wreck and I wasn't any better. It ended quickly. Then at the end of the summer before college we tried again and she broke up with me the day we moved down and she tried to come back and I refused.

Months went by of me being in a very dark place, and she got sick of being there the way she was, whatever that quagmire was. And she decided to leave, I was shocked into action. I asked her to come back to me. I was so desperate for her not to really leave. I started looking at wedding bands again of my own accord. I tried really hard to be a good boyfriend, as she put it later, it was kind of a honeymoon period. Then, she did something that hurt me very deeply. She had liked someone before during that quagmire, and while we were dating again, she dolled herself up for a party. She usually invited me to parties, I usually refused, but she didn't invite me to this one. She dolled herself up, I always told her I really liked it when she wears really dark make-up, mostly i think because she never did. She did that night, in a way that she never had for me, she tried on multiple outfits, asking me which one I thought was the cutest. I suggested what I thought.

She had been invited by the boy she had liked, and she went and danced with him.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but it really discouraged me, I had really been trying to make it work that time, I had been trying so hard, and I was so hurt by that.

I went back in my shell. I closed up again. She encouraged me to seek help, but I refused, I wish to God I had. We had Christmas, back home. And it was wonderful. I drew strength from my family and finally decided to go back and go to counseling services and perhaps even get medication for my depression.

It turned out, that this was too little too late.

She broke up with me again about two weeks ago. I feel abandoned, and I almost refused to go back to counseling.

I've never really had thoughts about self harm. But the honest truth is that I'm not sure that I can be with anyone else. I've tried, but I think that I would freak out if I ever got to the alter with anyone else.

In the end, I don't want anyone but her. I don't think I could marry anyone but her.

And if she got married to someone else, I would hope to be there that day and see her happy and to wish the best for her and her husband.

Then, I could see myself going somewhere where no one I knew or know would find my body first, and shoot myself.

Because of the promises I broke, because of the kind of man that I can no longer become, and because of the pain of that moment, I could see myself doing a horrible act like that. I really hope it doesn't come to that, and I hope more that I will be in a better mental state if that should come to be. And I'm doing everything in my power to get there.

I have another meeting with the consoler tomorrow, and then I'm going to go home and surprise my parents.

I am looking forward, and I need to get better before I can be good for myself or anyone I may be with.

Ring the bells that still can ring,

forget your perfect offering,

there is a crack in everything,

that's how the light gets in.

I cut my hair again recently, one way or another, this is the third time i've done so dramatically for her, that's why I'm calling her Delilah.