It scares me to think about life without her. I don't ever want to really lose her, and for the first time in a long time, I don't think it's because of the promises I made. I could be wrong. I'm hoping to figure out more of that in counseling.
I'm not sure I can convey how much her smell affects me. When she's on birth control I can't smell her, maybe that's one of the things that made me scared the first time we broke up. I hadn't been able to smell her for a while, and I loved her then, but it certainly affected me and I'm not always sure how much.
She's sweet and kind, she wants what's best for those around her, sometimes too much. When people get into situations they shouldn't be in, she's there to pull them out, and I think sometimes she could benefit from a little more selfishness. We talked a long time tonight, it was really wonderful. I kind of had a cloud over my head today because she backed out of going to church today with me. But, that cloud passed a lot faster than they normally do and what I was left with was disappointment, but it was only disappointment which for me, is a big step in the right direction, I stopped thinking about worse case scenarios and looked forward to seeing her later. I proceeded to wait outside her dorm for about an hour (it was pretty damn cold today) and then we eventually got to talk and spend some time with each other.
I have been making an effort of being more happy when I'm with her. But I also feel better. I'm more happy in general. I talk to people when before I would just stare at the ground. I've even smiled at some cute girls(this has not happened in a very very long time). I harbor great hope, I just pray I haven't used up all my chances when we both weren't ready. I don't want to beg you baby for something you can never give, I'm not looking for the rest of your life I'm just looking for another chance to live. this isn't really true, but it's what I thought of. Actually, maybe it is. I'm not looking for a guarantee for life like i have been to satisfy my guilt, I'm looking for another chance to hold the kind of love I once held, and holding that kind of love, is truly living.
There is only one thing in this life better physically than sex, better emotionally then real hugs and warmer than flame.
It's sleeping with someone. No one I know sleeps together like in the movies where you wake up all wrapped up in each other's arms, but waking up in the middle of the night and being able to reach over and touch the person you love most dearly in the world.
This is also why I want to die at the same time as my wife, if I ever have one.
I never want to have that for such a long time with someone, and then never have it again. Then again, I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore
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