God forgive me. It's something I've never been able to do, depression or no. What if there is no god? maybe we invented gods to help us live with ourselves. or maybe Leonard Cohen convinced us.

I blog when I'm unhappy, so I guess I'm doing better. I feel really unmotivated and I'm a bit worried about some of my grades, but I'm going to do the best I can. I miss her sometimes more than others, but it's always there. I live in every grey area imaginable and it'd be nice sometimes to have a black and white. "Your blacks are blacker and your whites are whiter, my greys are greyer" actually i'm pretty sure it should be grays and grayer, but fuck you English, I'm doing it my way.

Blessed

I had another blog prepared for today. But I decided against it. I also got rid of my phone battery and deactivated my facebook. I'm trying to be a better person than I or anyone else gives me credit for.

Blessed are the poor in spirt, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who morn, for they shall be comforted.

My father has a much richer life than my uncle. My uncle is alone and lives with his mother still. I don't ever want to be like Dale, but I swore to a girl that I would share the richness of this world with her and only her. I'll be okay eventually. I'll be alone, but I'll be okay. I'll find friends in this place.

I cannot convey how much I hate depression. I cannot convey the gravity of what it robbed from me.

You were born together

I love her, more than I will ever know.

It scares me to think about life without her. I don't ever want to really lose her, and for the first time in a long time, I don't think it's because of the promises I made. I could be wrong. I'm hoping to figure out more of that in counseling.

I'm not sure I can convey how much her smell affects me. When she's on birth control I can't smell her, maybe that's one of the things that made me scared the first time we broke up. I hadn't been able to smell her for a while, and I loved her then, but it certainly affected me and I'm not always sure how much.

She's sweet and kind, she wants what's best for those around her, sometimes too much. When people get into situations they shouldn't be in, she's there to pull them out, and I think sometimes she could benefit from a little more selfishness. We talked a long time tonight, it was really wonderful. I kind of had a cloud over my head today because she backed out of going to church today with me. But, that cloud passed a lot faster than they normally do and what I was left with was disappointment, but it was only disappointment which for me, is a big step in the right direction, I stopped thinking about worse case scenarios and looked forward to seeing her later. I proceeded to wait outside her dorm for about an hour (it was pretty damn cold today) and then we eventually got to talk and spend some time with each other.

I have been making an effort of being more happy when I'm with her. But I also feel better. I'm more happy in general. I talk to people when before I would just stare at the ground. I've even smiled at some cute girls(this has not happened in a very very long time). I harbor great hope, I just pray I haven't used up all my chances when we both weren't ready. I don't want to beg you baby for something you can never give, I'm not looking for the rest of your life I'm just looking for another chance to live. this isn't really true, but it's what I thought of. Actually, maybe it is. I'm not looking for a guarantee for life like i have been to satisfy my guilt, I'm looking for another chance to hold the kind of love I once held, and holding that kind of love, is truly living.

There is only one thing in this life better physically than sex, better emotionally then real hugs and warmer than flame.

It's sleeping with someone. No one I know sleeps together like in the movies where you wake up all wrapped up in each other's arms, but waking up in the middle of the night and being able to reach over and touch the person you love most dearly in the world.

This is also why I want to die at the same time as my wife, if I ever have one.

I never want to have that for such a long time with someone, and then never have it again. Then again, I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore

Quakers

I'm going to the local meeting of the Society of Friends in Charleston today. She was going to go with me, but decided that partying until four was a much more appealing idea. She told me to call her, but I'm not going to. Physically she gets sick when she's really tired. Anyway, I'm going to see how it is, and maybe she'll come with me to church next Sunday.

I think today I'll pray for friends.

Lies

Lies are poison. False hope is worse than no hope at all.

I would always rather have the truth and be in a worse place, than to be in ignorant bliss. It's hurts beyond most measure to trust someone and have them not even respect you enough to tell you the truth even if it hurts you. It makes me upset, it makes me angry, and worst of all, it makes me distrustful, and makes myself more likely to keep the truth from others.

I found out recently that someone close to me lied to me, over, and over, and over and over again. Not just about anything, about something I distinctly asked them to be completely honest with me about. Due to the fact that it might skew the idea for the actuality, I'm not going to name what was lied to me about. I asked so many times, to not be lied to like this. But I was lied to anyway. I know the world fixes all the misconceptions about it that you have when you're a child, but trust has always been something I wished I could always have. I told my sister about my blog, and asked her to tell no one else for now. She told me she wouldn't and I believed her. But now, I can't. I feel betrayed, and not only betrayed but disrespected, by someone who should have respected me as much as I respected them. But they didn't. They lied. Not just once, but many many times.

I used to think that you can't trust people. But I also used to think that there were exceptions, I was wrong. and that, that is a harder fact to swallow than learning that you couldn't trust people.

Counseling

I had a counseling session yesterday, most of what we did was background, but I'm getting the feeling that this woman isn't good enough to help me. I say this because I get the sense that I could convince this woman that I'm okay. She has no Idea how badly I am doing. At the moment, I should probably be seeing someone twice a week and she was trying to give me another session in two weeks. I feel like she buys all the defenses I throw up. This is a problem, maybe if she knew who I was before all of this she would be fine, she might has some grasp of what I should be like, but she doesn't, she's also an intern and I honestly think I need more help than this.