What to say

I'm not sure what to say. I know what to do. I guess that's the important part. I wasn't ready for what came my way when I was sixteen. I cry every day, but these tears only fall into a sea. But maybe one day, all my mountains will turn to rocks and all my oceans into drops.

A love like this, comes but once. This I do believe.

It's been a while.

I saw an attractive girl downtown today, and in my mind I thought of every way Calynn was prettier. I asked her to marry me, for all the reasons I should. She said no. I was finally able to do what I've wanted to do for a long time, and it's too late. I don't know how to deal with this. I've never known grief like this. And for the first time in a long time, some of my ducks are in a row that haven't been. I know I can be best for her, and furthermore I can be best for me. There is no doubt in my mind that no one else can share the amount of joy and wonder that I can with her. I didn't really believe in that meant to be stuff before I met her, and I am forever changed. I want her to be happy above all else. And if she can never get over the things that prevent her from ever wanting to be with me again, then it's her loss... and mine. I may not be able to articulate best at the moment of who I am, but I know who I will become. I will be a great friend and a great person who makes mistakes, but a person who will never fall into the Pit that has held me for this past year. Someday I want to be a daddy, and today I want to be a husband. So now I shall be a friend because both a father and a husband need that basis, and whether I ever become those things or not, I will be a friend, and I'll be a damn good one at that. This love may be silent, but it is not without voice.

God forgive me. It's something I've never been able to do, depression or no. What if there is no god? maybe we invented gods to help us live with ourselves. or maybe Leonard Cohen convinced us.

I blog when I'm unhappy, so I guess I'm doing better. I feel really unmotivated and I'm a bit worried about some of my grades, but I'm going to do the best I can. I miss her sometimes more than others, but it's always there. I live in every grey area imaginable and it'd be nice sometimes to have a black and white. "Your blacks are blacker and your whites are whiter, my greys are greyer" actually i'm pretty sure it should be grays and grayer, but fuck you English, I'm doing it my way.

Blessed

I had another blog prepared for today. But I decided against it. I also got rid of my phone battery and deactivated my facebook. I'm trying to be a better person than I or anyone else gives me credit for.

Blessed are the poor in spirt, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who morn, for they shall be comforted.

My father has a much richer life than my uncle. My uncle is alone and lives with his mother still. I don't ever want to be like Dale, but I swore to a girl that I would share the richness of this world with her and only her. I'll be okay eventually. I'll be alone, but I'll be okay. I'll find friends in this place.

I cannot convey how much I hate depression. I cannot convey the gravity of what it robbed from me.

You were born together

I love her, more than I will ever know.

It scares me to think about life without her. I don't ever want to really lose her, and for the first time in a long time, I don't think it's because of the promises I made. I could be wrong. I'm hoping to figure out more of that in counseling.

I'm not sure I can convey how much her smell affects me. When she's on birth control I can't smell her, maybe that's one of the things that made me scared the first time we broke up. I hadn't been able to smell her for a while, and I loved her then, but it certainly affected me and I'm not always sure how much.

She's sweet and kind, she wants what's best for those around her, sometimes too much. When people get into situations they shouldn't be in, she's there to pull them out, and I think sometimes she could benefit from a little more selfishness. We talked a long time tonight, it was really wonderful. I kind of had a cloud over my head today because she backed out of going to church today with me. But, that cloud passed a lot faster than they normally do and what I was left with was disappointment, but it was only disappointment which for me, is a big step in the right direction, I stopped thinking about worse case scenarios and looked forward to seeing her later. I proceeded to wait outside her dorm for about an hour (it was pretty damn cold today) and then we eventually got to talk and spend some time with each other.

I have been making an effort of being more happy when I'm with her. But I also feel better. I'm more happy in general. I talk to people when before I would just stare at the ground. I've even smiled at some cute girls(this has not happened in a very very long time). I harbor great hope, I just pray I haven't used up all my chances when we both weren't ready. I don't want to beg you baby for something you can never give, I'm not looking for the rest of your life I'm just looking for another chance to live. this isn't really true, but it's what I thought of. Actually, maybe it is. I'm not looking for a guarantee for life like i have been to satisfy my guilt, I'm looking for another chance to hold the kind of love I once held, and holding that kind of love, is truly living.

There is only one thing in this life better physically than sex, better emotionally then real hugs and warmer than flame.

It's sleeping with someone. No one I know sleeps together like in the movies where you wake up all wrapped up in each other's arms, but waking up in the middle of the night and being able to reach over and touch the person you love most dearly in the world.

This is also why I want to die at the same time as my wife, if I ever have one.

I never want to have that for such a long time with someone, and then never have it again. Then again, I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

You were born together, and together you shall be for evermore

Quakers

I'm going to the local meeting of the Society of Friends in Charleston today. She was going to go with me, but decided that partying until four was a much more appealing idea. She told me to call her, but I'm not going to. Physically she gets sick when she's really tired. Anyway, I'm going to see how it is, and maybe she'll come with me to church next Sunday.

I think today I'll pray for friends.